You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.
The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new...program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.
People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.
Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." President Reagan says, "I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope."
If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even." ... For me, being funny is the best revenge.
Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.
I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies.
I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
I'm having a swell time. The best time of my life.